This post is for all the amazing, wonderful women, mothers, and caregivers in my circle. It’s written from both personal and professional experience. Rather than offering strategies, this post is about normalizing a common experience I see time and time again.
The struggle I want to focus on here is the mixed feelings we can have about our roles as parents. Personally, I always imagined myself having kids and becoming a mother. I was raised by strong women who loved and excelled in those roles. So, when it was finally my turn, after our own battle with infertility, I was thrilled. I looked forward to all the things I’d seen friends and family experience.
After months of waiting and fertility treatments, our son arrived. Theoretically, I knew it would be hard. But I didn’t fully understand just how hard until I was in it myself.
The instant hormonal shift, sleep deprivation, and my partner having to return to work immediately (for financial reasons) led to days and weeks of frequent, easily triggered tears (what many call the “baby blues”). Over time, as my son’s sleep improved (minus those fun regressions), I slowly became more functional – more “rational,” even. But I also noticed something else: I was swinging between moments of joy and deep love for this new life… and moments of dislike, even resentment.
I loved the baby smiles, the cuddles, the milestones, the memory-making, the family bonding, the new traditions. I tried to be present and soak in the small moments, knowing how quickly time passes. But what surprised me was the other side, the moments I didn’t love. The creeping resentment I began to feel toward my husband.
There were so many moments (more than I care to admit) when I just wished my son would fall asleep faster so I could have a moment of peace with my favorite show. I fantasized about affording a nanny for a weekend so I could just lie in bed and be. I missed the freedom of leaving the house without carrying a mobile nursery. I missed spontaneous late nights out, lazy sleep-ins, and even something as small as a quiet meal out or a fresh set of nails.
And then came the resentment. I resented that my husband could go to work and not think about the baby for hours. I resented carrying the mental load of the household – the scheduling, the remembering, the managing. I resented that sometimes, only I would do for our son, meaning I had to stay “on” for long stretches. I resented the petty competitions we’d fall into about who was “more tired” or “had it harder.”
Then, on top of the grief and resentment, came shame and guilt. Guilt for feeling this way when I had wanted this so badly. Shame that maybe I wasn’t a good enough mom for having these thoughts. I longed for a short escape, just a little break to remember who I was outside of being a partner and a parent.
Becoming a wife, mother, and caregiver is an incredible journey – but it can also be incredibly hard. I wrote this post to remind you: it’s okay to both grieve what you’ve lost (even parts of yourself) and love your life as it is now. Both can be true.
For me, learning to hold both truths without judgment – and to stop starting every thought with “I should…” -has helped me process all these complex emotions. It’s also helped me approach my partner with more compassion and recognize that he, too, is adjusting to his own version of this new life.
We don’t have to pick between gratitude and grief. We can hold both, and still be amazing moms.
If you’re struggling to hold all of these emotions or feeling overwhelmed more often than not, therapy can be a really safe space to work through it. Talking with someone who gets the mental load, the identity shift, and the grief that can come with motherhood has been incredibly helpful for me – and it might be for you too. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
The City of Hamilton is situated on the traditional territories of the Erie, Neutral, Huron-Wendat, Haudenosaunee, and Mississaugas. This land is covered by the Dish with One Spoon Wampum Belt Covenant, which was an agreement between the Haudenosaunee and the Anishinaabek, to share and care for the resources around the Great Lakes. We further acknowledge that this land is covered by the Between the Lakes Purchase, 1792, between the Crown and the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nations. Today, the City of Hamilton is home to many Indigenous people from across Turtle Island (North America) and we recognize that we must do more to learn about the rich history of this land so that we can better understand our roles as residents, neighbours, partners, and caretakers. We stand in solidarity with murdered, and missing Indigenous women and girls, transgender and two-spirit people.
